Article Database

Can You Pass My Love Exam?

Does your temperature go rising, you pulse go racing and your basal metabolism go roaring at the mere thought of that adorable archifiend, Alice Cooper? Well, here's a clinical and super-scientific test devised by the divine "Dr. A.C." — its aim is to determine if you're the kind of person this mad M.D. would like to share his "examining table" with; or, on the other hand, if your prognosis is strictly negative as far as this freaky physican is concerned!

Unfortunately, our satanic surgeon can't quite manage to give each and every one of you a complete physical scrutinizin', so he's devised this quiz for you to take (four times a day before meals, until all symptoms disappear!).

Surely you have suffered through multiple-choice test before, so you know how to proceed. There is only one correct choice, for each question. When you're finished wracking your brains, turn the page upside down to see how you've done.

Ready scalpels! Get set! Go!

1. Let's spend the weekend together! We will probably pass the time by

1. playing chess.
2. playing house.
3. playing doctor.
4. playing fair.

2. For your birthday, I am most likely to give you

1. a headache.
2. another chance.
3. a whirl.
4. a partridge in a pear tree.

3. How long will I love you? Until

1. the end of my days.
2. the end of the week.
3. you run out of money.
4. your father finds out.

4. There are four specials on TV at the same time. I'll most likely watch the one starring

1. Walter Cronkite.
2. Ricky Segall.
3. Tricia Nixon.
4. Racquel Welch.

5. Let's listen to a record — I'd really like to hear

1. The Sound of Music.
2. Senator Sam Ervin reading the bible
3. The Wit and Wisdom of Ricky Segall.
4. The Carpenters.

6. It's our first date, so let's go

1. to a drive-in movie.
2. paint the town.
3. directly to jail.
4. too far.

7. My secret desire is to run

1. for political office.
2. you ragged.
3. a crooked mile.
4. the risk of discovery.

8. A reporter sees us together at a party, and asks you what's going on between us. You tell her you're

1. my round-the-clock nurse.
2. an old friend of my mother.
3. an undercover agent for the C.I.A.
4. my soul and inspiration.

9. I'm leaving for a long tour of Europe, and you give me something to remember you by. It's a

1. photograph of you.
2. rash.
3. baby rattlesnake.
4. night of love.

10. Another girl starts coming on to me while you and I are togehter in a restaurant. You tell her to

1. watch her step.
2. wait her turn.
3. have her nose straightened.
4. shut up and eat.

ANSWERS: 1-d; 2-c; 3-a; 4-d; 5-d, 6-a; 7-b; 8-b; 9-d; 10-b

How'd you do?

Nine or ten correct? Get on line — you could be the next Ms. Cooper!

Seven or Eight? You're almost insane enough for Alice. Keep at it!

Five or six? Better take some lessons from Linda Blair!

Four or less? Ricky Segall might be more your speed! But Alice thanks you for trying, nevertheless!