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Alice without Malice
Alice Cooper's traveling show hit town after destroying about 36 other villages on this tour. The show went on at the Forum Friday night, April 11, but half the fun (for the rock-and-roll Clark Kents and Lois Lanes, anyway) was at the Coconut Grove in the Ambassador Hotel the day before, where Alice granted a press conference.
The press conference began with "Hail to the Chief," and that aural-visual duplicate of our troubled Fuhrer, "Richard M. Dixon," appeared, peace-victory sign waving. He introduced the group, who seated themselves behind a plywood table. "Have you checked out the furniture in this place?" inquired one of the Alices. "It looks like they got a deal with the Salvation Army." As the strains of "God Bless America" died down, Budweiser was supplied to Alice who observed, "In conclusion I'd like to say..."
The questions began, and they were hardly audible for the most part, though Alice seemed to have little trouble catching them. He was loud, clear and confident in his answers, in any case, and following are most of those answers, usually preceded by the questions in italics.
Why is your album called Million Dollar Babies?
Million Dollar Babies? Million? Don't you have our album? It's Billion Dollar Babies. We were fascinated by our own success, and with the chance really young kids have of being rich doing things like we're doing; like we've seen 14-year-olds with limousines...
What are you going to do with all the money you've been making?
Try to buy Linda Lovelace.
Do you think much about the future?
I know our airplane's gonna go down somewhere in the Rockies. There's just no way that plane's gonna make it. Future? No, we don't think much about the future. We leave that to people like ... David Bowie. I'd like to meet Tennessee Williams... or Jimmy Pearsall.
Do you like to play with your snakes?
Would you like to play with my snakes? We've had three of them so far. We have a new one. She's called Eve Marie Snake.
Do you like L.A.?
We went to the Dodgers game. The Dodgers won, eight to five.
Why did you write "I Love the Dead"?
Everybody's got some sexual quirk which they're afraid to let go...
(Alice is interrupted by a one-man orchestra who comes to the side of the table to let out two minutes of a rip-snorting song, accompanied by the orchestra behind Alice. When he leaves, Alice is asked about makeup.)
We're bringing out a line of our own men's makeup. lt's called Whiplash. That's for real. We don't wear so much makeup ourselves. Joe Namath wears more.
We spent $32,000 on beer last year.
(Richard M. Dixon sat at one end of the table with the Alices and someone brought up a question about Watergate.)
No Watergate questions...we refuse to answer...we know nothing about it...
Are you a superstar?
No. No, I don't know what the word means... Maybe Nixon's our superstar. Richard Speck's a superstar.
Who'll be your running mate in '76?
Rona Barrett.
How did you come to write "School's Out"?
We used to say it when we were kids and...
(Another interruption, this one a very pretty belly dancer, who did her thing on the floor before Alice and climaxed her act by throwing one of her purple veils over Alice's head. "Great," said Alice, "somebody get his name." The girl gone, in response to some question or request, Alice showed his appendix scar.)
How did you find necrophilia?
Under "N." No, what makes you think we're into necrophilia? Just because we exhumed Walt Disney the other day...
(Alice recognized someone in the crowd.) "Hey, I just realized it was you. Your hair's longer. Does it still burn when you piss?"
What was Salvador Dali like?
He makes no sense at all. We were in this place, he came in, ordered everyone out, ordered hot water, poured honey into it, cut the stream of honey off with a pair of scissors. He's definitely gamey. I don't understand one thing he says...
(At this point a gorilla came from backstage, picked up a girl who really didn't look like she was ready for it, and carried her away.)
What do you do all day?
We watch daytime TV. The game shows. Mary Jackson on "The Joker's Wild" is up to $10,660. On Gambit," the Clarks are up to $11,000.
I love Tuesday Weld...dirty slit, dirty feet. God, Tuesday Weld. My ultimate fantasy. I could use a whole case of Trojans on that.
(A question about a recent Rolling Stone article on him.)A lot of it was made up. But the part about the betel-nut pecker was definitely untrue.
Our guillotine's real — the blade weighs 40 pounds.
(Now a magician, "The Amazing Randi " — who also serves as the executioner in the show — does a few tricks.)
National Geographic's the first place I ever saw bare tits. I spent many hours in the bathroom with that one. The Frederick's of Hollywood ads were great, too. I still jack off to those.
I have a love affair with the press. I was once a member of the press myself. I was a reporter for The Cortez Gazette. I was known as "Muscles McNasal."
Time for circus games and beer. The set took seven hours to build, and will take two-and-one-half hours to tear down. Show biz. Do the times get more interesting as the world ages? Well anyway things get louder. On with the...the set is buried in smoke...Alice and band take their places, on a spacious set that looks like an Aztec sacrificial tiered temple, though it's probably larger than some..."Hello Hurray." Alice in leopard boots, 100 sizes too large. As "Billion Dollar Babies" (the song) begins, Alice strips; fire darts from his fingertips. He's down to body stocking now. And those boots. A statue of a Pharaoh watches him from the back of the set a beam of light occasionally shooting from his forehead. "Elected." The guitarists run up and down the steps. Segue into "I'm Eighteen." Alice sits at edge of stage, then squirms on his back. He's done all this about two dozen times too many, but even a tired Alice is better than a fresh most anyone else. "Raped and Freezing"..."I think I've got a live one." Muddy sound, but this is after all the Forum. Seventeen thousand people. Silver mannequins hang at the top of the high set-frames. Alice has a torso from one down below, drops its hollow self on his mike stand, fondles its breasts. The steps all about light up. "No More Mr. Nice Guy." Flings torso down. A Frisbee from the audience barely misses Alice. He picks it up and wears it as a hat. "Here's an intellectual song for all the intellectuals: 'My Stars.' "A square of flowing light bulbs frames Alice. He stands by the Pharaoh and sings to the audience behind the set. "Unfinished Sweet." "Achin' to get me," sings paranoid Cooper, shouting into combination mike and flashlight. A monstrous dentist's drill gets him, then a giant tooth dances on stage. He kills tooth with strokes of a toothbrush then fucks it with the toothpaste container'. Darkness: "Night on Bare Mountain" from tape. Spinning ballroom ball sends blue streaks of light through arena. "Sick Things." The snake. Portions of mannequins are at stage center — Alice grovels in them, throws them, about destroys them. A guitarist attacks him and momentarily fells him. But then he's up, stabbing a baby doll with a sword. "Dead Babies." (Changing "aspirins" to "Quaaludes.") His head goes between a dismembered pair of legs. Then a dismembered head goes between his legs. He chokes, hits, stabs. Steals a blonde wig from one hard lady and wears it. "I Love the dead. I love the dead..." he sings over and over with his head positioned in the guillotine. He spits at the executioner. The blade comes down. AAAAEEEIIIGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! His head is shown to the audience, quite separated from his body. His body is dragged on stage by the band and roughly dismembered, pieces thrown into the audience. Encore: Alice is alive and well (reincarnated with a top hat), singing "School's Out." He shows a poster of himself, kisses his image, throws dozens of posters into the audience, who dive for them insanely. "I think you're all crazier than I am." A "peace power" guard tries to push the crowd back from the stage, causing Alice chagrin. He's leapt upon and beat up by Alice and the band, to the cheers of the crowd. (Actually it's just Alice's bodyguard playing a part, but it's very convincing.) Alice pulls a switchblade on the audience. Then: "I wanna hear something dirty." He asks for insults from the crowd, putting his mike down to catch two that the whole arena could hear "You mutherfucking cunty son-ofa-bitch" shouts one fan. End of first encore. Second: "Under My Wheels." Money-filled balloons float out above the crowd, to be popped with greedy hopes. Alice brandishes a whip. A girl grabs and kisses him, to be roughly thrown into the crowd. Alice, in "I am not Eddie Haskell" T-shirt goes to edge of stage for kiss by another girl, rubs cock through tights. Is gifted with red boa. Unfurls American flag. "God Bless America" by Kate Smith is played. All salute. Band files one by one through flag, twirling sparklers. The tooth and executioner take bows. Richard M. Dixon comes out to address the crowd, is set upon, beat up and carried off by the band. Sieg Heil
(Originally published in Staff magazine May 18 - 24th, 1973)
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