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Bad Santa

Shitting snakes, puking clowns and brawling Hells Angels? It’s Christmas with Alice Cooper as he gets kitted out as Santa and tell Matt Wilkinson what 2011’s stars should expect under their tree.

Photo: Mathieu Zazzo

NME's introduction to Alice Cooper is not how we imagined it would be. What he should be doing, see, is hanging from the rafters of his Parisian hotel room, dressed like death, biting off chicken heads and/or shagging snakes. But he's not. He's watching Monsters, Inc and eating some nuts. "S'up?" he says to us half-assedly as we enter his lair.

It quickly becomes clear that this is Alice in chill-out mode. And what's wrong with that? The 63-year-old is halfway through a world tour right now, in which his head gets guillotined every night and a 13ft Frankenstein's monster (played by his tour manager) chases him around the stage. Loved and lauded by everyone from Johnny Depp and Johnny Rotten to Dave Grohl, when he is in character and onstage he's both a punk rock overlord and a Lady Gaga­inspiring fruitloop.

He also loves Christmas, and instantly jumps into the Santa suit we've brought along for our photoshoot while simultaneously sprouting amazing stories of festive times gone by. Like, for example, the year he took snake Christmas shopping. "We had a bunch of snakes in the '70s — we had Boa Derek, we had Julias Squeezer," he explains. "And we had Yvonne. Yvonne was the big one. She went Christmas shopping with me and we caused absolute chaos. Oh, we did everything together back then!" Alice pauses, "flashes a grin and adds coyly: "Well, everything for a publicity stunt..."

Has he ever had any snake mishaps? Just then one, actually. "We were playing at the House of Blues in LA. Kiss cam down, the Sex Pistols were all there. Everybody was there. Johnny Rotten's there, and I'm the only rock star Johnny Rotten doesn't hate. So we've got the snake, and it's the carnival show — the Alice Cooper Carnival of Horrors. I've got all the roadies dressed in clown outfits, but they're really demented clowns. And I pick up the snake and everybody starts laughing! I'm going, 'Why are they laughing?' They're laughing because the snake's crapping everywhere. It's like a Great Dane got diarrhoea and went five times. It's all down the side of my clothes, in my hair. And it's so awful that it's gagging everybody. And then the clowns have to come out to wipe it up... but they're gagging and throwing up. So I've got clowns vomiting. I got a snake crapping on the stage. And meanwhile Johnny Rotten's standing there going, 'This is the greatest thing I have ever seen in my life!'"

There was also the year Alice spent the entire festive period holed up in Los Angeles' Landmark Hotel, playing his part in what was surely the coolest Christmas party EVER.

"It wasn't a big hotel, it wasn't a fancy hotel. It was almost just an overnight place, but for some reason bands went and lived there. Jim Morrison lived there. Jimi Hendrix was staying there. Janice Joplin was staying there. We were there. And you had the GTOs too. They were these insane groupie girls who'd taken over two of the apartments. The Girls Together OUtrageously, as they were known. They were crazy."

Alice's face fills with glee when we ask him why.

"Well, [notorious groupie and I'm With The Band author} Pamela Des Barres was one of them. Need I say more? There were about seven of them in total... and they just kind of made the rounds... in all the room. You know? It was all great fun, but things did get really weird a few times. There's this big football game called the Rose Bowl — it's like the Super Bowl but on New Year's Day — and it was Ohio State against Southern California. For some reason they booked Ohio State's team into the hotel on the Friday. Now, these were the guys who were supposed to destroy Southern California, but by the time the GTOs got done with them they got completely annihilated in the game, like 49 to nothing or something. I don't think those guys had ever seen anything like it! So, that's the kind of stuff I remember about Christmas..."

With this in mind, there can be nobody better than Mr Alice Cooper to take on the role of NME's Bad Santa for 2011. He's got pillows stuffed up his jumper. He's wearing plastic Santa boots. He's belt's as big as a boa constrictor. And he's been thinking very, VERY seriously about what presents his fellow musicians deserve for being mad, bad and super-nice over these past 12 months...

Lady Gaga

Presents: A Betty Crocker cookbook, Good Housekeeping Magazine and a Bible

"I know Lady Gaga really well. I get her. And for Christmas I'd get her a Betty Crocker cookbook. That and a subscription to Good Housekeeping — because those are two things I know she doesn't have. Do I like her music? Well, she created a character named Gaga. I created a character called Alice Cooper that I play. I'm not Alice now, I'll be Alice tonight. She writes songs for her, I write songs for Alice. We're actually closer than Rob Zombie and I are. I think she's great. Maybe I'd also get her a Bible, actually..."

Bono

Presents: A stage

"You know what Bono needs? A bigger stage. I mean, that current one is only half the size of a state in the US! And when you see the size of the stage that they have, I think the only ironic thing is to get him a bigger stage. Let's get him one twice that size."

Pete Doherty

Present: Monopoly

"Pete... Oh man, what does Pete Doherty need other than Alcoholics Anonymous? He needs a Get Out Of Jail Free Card, that's what. Although maybe he's already had a few; every thime I come to London he's either just going in or just coming out of jail. With that in mind, I'm gonna get him a Monopoly game but with all Get Out Of Jail Free cards!"

Ian Brown

Present: A Vespa moped

"Do I know about The Stone Roses? Of course I do — they just reformed! And Ian got a ticket for going 100mph on his way to rehearsal? Then he didn't get banned? How can anybody get off on that? For that reason I'm getting him a Vespa that only goes about 20mph. I'd tell him to leave earlier to get to the gigs."

Justin Bieber

Present: Lego

"I know Bieber. Nice kid. When I met him it was at the Grammy Awards. It was Katy Perry and I giving out an award, and he's back there and he's nervous. And I said, 'Justin, C'mere. What's wrong?' And he goes, 'I... I... I've never done this before! I've never done the MC thing...' So I said, 'Can you read? That's all you have to do, you just read!' He's a little kid, so what I'm gonna get him is some Lego. Then what he goes on tour he can have something to play with."

Kasabian

Present: The Small Faces' wardrobe

"Ah, these guys. We almost got in a row with these guys one tim. It was in Transylvania. We did a show, it was Alice and Marilyn Manson in Transylvania, and Kasabian were drunk in the bar there too. My bass player, Chuck Garric — whose mum and dad are both Hells Angels — is a tough, tough kid. One of the guys in Kasabian was mouthing off, like, 'Hey, Americans! You're all ruining the world!' and all this stuff. Chuck's going, 'Yeah, yeah, OK, we are, you're right, 'cos he knew the guy was drunk. But at some point the guy gets right in Chuck's face. Chuck look like some insane boxer, and calm as anything, he just says, 'I give you one minute to get out of here...'. And it ended there! But saying that, they're a good band! I like them. They were cool clothes, actually. I think the singer wore some of Steve Marriott's clothes onstage once didn't he? So how about we get them all of the Small Faces' old stage gere?"

Gary Barlow

Present: Mirrors. Lots of mirrors

"Actually, we gotta get all the guys from Take That a room full of mirrors, just so they can see themselves all the time. No matter where they turn, they see themselves. 'Hi! Look at me from that angle! Don't I look good there?' So yeah, a room full of mirrors for them, so they never have to not see themselves."